It’s a Map, Jim, But Not As We Know It.

Sometimes our old northern conditioning manages to swamp our new found southern learning. It’s that unquestioning, touching faith in the veracity and truth of mapping. A product from the Victorian age of enquiry, correctitude and the Ordnance Survey. The latter, as the name suggests, is a more ominous product of an armaments industry. If you’re going to be shelling someone, it helps if you know  where they are. If you’re British, you’ll soon be invading them, subjugated to the will of the Surveyor-General. 

For many days we’ve been riding the ‘Inter-oceanic’, an interesting, if initially illogical concept that links the Atlantic to the Pacific, linking Sao Paolo to San Juan, linking a blue whale to a zooplankton. In so doing, managing to traverse, diagonally, the greatest span of the continent.  Much of the planned route will be Amazonian river travel, with the high ranges being negotiated on asphalt. There’s a road sign just outside Cusco, that threatens: 6534km to Sao Paolo; more a challenge than a warning. Yet more unfinished business: I see another trip.

Having played on the interesting twisting threads, the roller-coaster bits, it would seem churlish to forswear the final few leagues that lead down to the sea. Especially as the map suggests that it could be incorporated into a triangular loop, thus negating that erroneous outrage, the sin of a repeated route. The conceit that imagines a way to look and feel the same in both directions, the phantasy that believes a traveller can only take from the path, that leaves nothing of themselves as they pass along its way.

Our ‘terminal port’ transpires to be a long jetty of hopeful endeavour, our ‘terminal town’ more ‘China iron mining’ than a rain bows end. It has that Perueño stamp of never-completed construction, of sticky desert dust and bright flat light. In this instance it’s a new poured concrete hotel, ship’s hull flared and  tethered to the plaza by a sweeping, glazed, gangplank bridge. It’s first imponderable question will be as to it’s eventual completion: will it be before or after the first paying guest? If our experience of virtually every other accommodation is an indicator, then it will live in a state of perpetual extension, thus ensuring an infinite supply of ‘crete mixing, piled brick and tripping heaps of re-bar. The second  question asks whether the architect has specified glazed windows, and if so, will the builders remember to fit them? I’m becoming convinced that Peruvians are genetically descended from  the Troglodites, happy to be incarcerated in a ventless cell. His electrical drawings will have spec’d a solitary low wattage bulb to be set, strategically, behind the ceiling mounted television or fan, thus ensuring a stobic induced migrain. It’s probably my high latitude genes that crave any and every available lumen of natural light, my skin receptors hungry for all the convertible vitamins that are on offer. Here the locals get fried in light year round.

On leaving the hotel that morning, an ‘exception to the rule’ establishment, one that has run out of expansion room, an ‘habitacion’ with a window, albeit, one with a very immediate view of an unrendered hollow brick wall, we take our customary advice on how to escape a ‘sin señal’ town. We follow up on the hand waves with two further enquiries, all with the same answer. ’Just go up that road and turn right’. we’re not convinced. We’d descended ‘that’ road only yesterday, and hadn’t noted any ‘just turn rights’, but as any alternative will result in an oceanic dooking, we follow local advice. For half a day. All the way back to the beginning. All the way back to route One; the PanAm, the road that stretches from Dead Horse, Alaska to Ushuia, Patagonia. On completing the requested ‘turn right’ onto what we had hoped to avoid: we join a length of broken-shouldered road, a boneyard-hot stone desert, in the company of trucking fleets. Plenty of time to reflect, to get positive, to consider our erroneous deviation. To question why we’ve been sent on this roundabout route. The explanation comes when we eventually find the other end, located at a point on the map that suggests at least a cross-roads town, but transpires to be a short bridge and an unrideable vague trail in soft sand. The real question should have been: why did we stick so vehemently to a faith in the map? For a defence, I offer the fact that all three charts show the same cartographic mistake. Which only goes to prove that someone’s been cribbing.

Initially it seems like a lost day, the town no different to many that we’ve met and will meet, parts of the ‘scape will be repeated many times to come. And yet with hindsight and a few days of retrospection, a positive aspect can be morphed out of the negativity. There’s the mind food, that anticipation for a future trip, another ocular trace in the atlas. A postulation of possibilities. A route that flows along red printed roads, rages down blue painted rivers, cycling days spinning perpetually on paper, in two simple  dimensions, all passing in a trice. When the reality would be different, sobriety will hit with the advent of multi-dimensional holographic mapping and the next Andean stack of switchback climbs.

It’s the small retrospective picture that carries the delight. The wayward undulations of soft sand dunes flowing over the hillside, the water rippled berms where rain has never fallen. The stone gnomons with leeward shadow grit, that tell not the time, but that of the insistent, prevailing wind. The solitary flowering bromeliads, an anchored buoy in an estuary of swirling tidal dust. The vast, soft, flushed roseate sand valley, viewed from the final coastal ridge, that downgrades the distant transports to Tonka toy scale and our dogmatic Pavlovian attachment to a map, into junk bond status.

Playing Shop





Do you remember going ‘round to your Gran’s, and setting up the clothes horse, draping it with a sheet and then gathering up as may items to stock your ‘shop’? Every market stall in Bolivia looks just like that memory. There’s….
Plaster trowels and make-up compacts
Cement mixers and manicure sets
Gas masks and Ear plugs
Lug buds and Candle wax

Candy canes and Walking sticks
Broom flowers and Trilby hats
Felt pens and Crust cutters
Chicken scissors and Butcher’s knives
Table sets and Condiments 

Glazed cupolas and Brass bells
Ceramic camels and Votive candles
Wise Kings and Christ cribs
Xmas lights and Garlic bulbs
Flashing light sabres and cribbed ‘Hobbit’ discs  

Saint’s Days calendars and Vegetable draining colanders
Runcible spoons and Waving cats
Spangles and spectacles
Sunglasses and Parasols
Poncho y Machismo
Crystal nails and Galvanised pails

Pac-a-macs and Bristol’s Almanac
Pious tracts and Street preachers
Faux Leathermen and Rawhide soles
Pink thongs and Angel wings

Toy drums and Pan lids
Mixing bowls and Toilet rolls
Boxed ‘Panatone’ y ‘pay for’ Telephone
Tarjeta y Recarga aqui

Boob tubes and Chain lubes
Inner tubes and Rubic cubes

Puzzle books and ‘Halo Kitty’ journals
Bic pens and Key fobs
Road cones and Coat hangers
Head halters and ‘Donkey for Sale’

Screwdrivers and Taxi hire
Flash drives and Toy cars
Model colectivos and Tooting conductors
Electric leads and square pin adaptors
Clockwork cars and Binoculars
Rum glasses and whisky decanters
Toffee apples and Toasting forks
Knife grinders and Soap powders
Cement mixers and Manicure sets
Pencil cases and Toothpastes
Scouring pads and  Muscle balm

Marlboro cigarettes and Rubber dinosaurs
Jelly moulds and Dartboards

Felted bowlers and Baseball bats
Nail clippers and Gin traps
Boot laces and Pie cases
Glossy counterpanes and Tin window frames

Frog mouthed spades y Freddi del Sapos
Mattocks and Padlocks
Hassocks and Puddocks

Knitting wool and Crotchet brocade
Spinning spindles and Spun candy 
Toothpicks and Cycle gears 
Prized bowlers and Power batteries
Howitzer ordinance and New Year mortars

Brittle brollies and Andean dollies
Sindy (sic) Dolly and Kaleidoscopic balls
Dance gowns and Carnival masks  
Charcoal braziers and Cleavage Brassieres

Flock cushions and Raw sheepskins
Perfumes, Scents, Fragrances
Unguents, Pungents and Bottled pongs
Boot polish and crema de Lettuce leaf
Lotions, Potions, and Solutions, Emulsions
Creams, waxes and greases
Corpulent chess pieces

Plastic ordinance and Nuevo años squibs
Yellow pants and Promised prosperity
Lucky pleated wheat and Photocopied plata

Flip-flops y Book swaps
Agua por affluence y gringos por arrogance

Water pumps and Corkscrews
Cast cows and Pottery donkeys
Nativity stables and extension cables
Mobile ’phones y ‘tarjetas aqui’

Inka kolas and Cuddly koalas
Soda pop and Stuffed toys
Fairground riding and styro White swans
Wedding bouquets and Funería coffins
Confetti and gladioli

Inflated Bart Simpsons and blow-up Super Heroes
Foam padding and Gauze wadding
Backpacks and Polyprop sacs

Knock-off Nik (sic) and spurious Adidas
sham Lacosta and forged….Europa
bogus ‘Boss’ and Copy-cat tat

Metal forks and Plastic crocs
Mental sums and Glue gums
Sticky backed plastic and tele’ antenas
San Pedro y azul
‘Califera perfecta’ and Typed forms
Manuel click-clacks on a Manual
Imprenta y Fotocopia
       y Fotografia
Kodak printed film and Aymara costumed bears  
Desiccated llamas and Zebra’d pyjamas
A garlanded Alpaca and a photograph opportunity

Forests of pine’d plastic and Bristles of toilet brushes
Besoms and Switches
Mujer hosiery and ‘Lady finger’ bananas

Dried sow-thistle and Singing bird whistle
Almond nut kernels and Padded dog kennels

Small coinage and Engorged notes
Panpipes and Pantiles
Rhone pipes and road wash Rivers
Diarios and a Gutter press
Printed blankets and Acrylic jumpers
Jack leads and Rosary beads
Religious tracts and Auto blessings
Ferrari stickers and Madonna transfers
Barca shirts and Cholita skirts

Weird fruits y Quality tastes
Street food and e-coliform
Sevilla oranges y Barber’s shears

Aymara masks and Hip flasks
Water butts and Rubber stamps

Trike by Triang and Knickers by Nike
Grubbers by Little Tyke and Diggers by the day

Blue Visqueen sheet and Milky ripe wheat  
Squeezed almond oils and Burning mozzi coils

Plastic peace doves and Leather boxing gloves
Rebar y rebar y rebar

le Bizarre y la Bazaar
En total y Hecho en China

‘sorry’…you want a condom?’…‘no, we don’t sell tower blocks’

Almost everything is here, everything is for sale in my Gran’s Bolivian Bazaar. Trouble is, she wants me to put it all back…….in it’s right place…..NOW.

It was the Sunday Before Christmas

Copacabana and Lake Titicaca

Panhandling, begging, wheedling; it’s been entirely absent all the way through southern Bolivia, even the selling of individual, inconsequential sweeties has been a rare occasion. Even in the more obvious touristed areas, like Uyuní and Potosí.

Cycling slowly through an environment encourages a more minute investigation of detail. Slowly, I become aware of the freshly discarded ice lolly wrappers and their spatula sticks; both are fresh, unweathered,  unbleached, untattered, and in numbers that count into the many hundreds. At first I speculated that it might be a shed consignment, only Poirot-reasoning states that the stick would be inside an unopened wrapper, stuck to the verge in a sticky blob. I filed the thought under ’unresolved issues’, and left the matter there. Just another of life’s great mysteries.

A days’ ride short of Copacabana and Lake Titicaca, we’re riding a switchback, the lago far below on both sides of our road that rises and falls as the mood of the land takes it. The route traversing one view, then fidgeting over, on to the other hillside. Looking down over an archaeology of ancient agricultural practice, pre-Hispanic terraces that range and rank from waterside to hilltop that speaks of centuries of hard toil and plant development. For it was off slopes like these that the two thousand varieties of potato emerged. From these terraces that a Scot’s national cuisine, a  national condiment and a national challenge, emerged. Potatoes, tomatoes and chillies. Greasy chips, red ketchup and a drunken Vindaloo. Yet it’s along the roadside that a more modern development is happening, yet another personal mystery is slowly unfolding.

Groups of children, generally under the instruction of an older sister are ranged along the roadside, their spacing reflecting the relevant distance between their homes. Like the antisocial heron, they keep an impregnanable distance apart. Many have constructed shanties out of branches and plastic sheeting, or arranged elaborate constructs of stone, shelters that look semi permanent. Some play the beggar boy, doffing and offering their sun hats and calling for ’plata’, whilst others are asking for ’regalos’. Money or presents. There’s little malice, it’s more of a joke with some passing gringos. The boys with bikes set up a race, pacing us on the uphills, sprinting the downhills. They seem to be waiting for something better. At first I wondered if we had fallen upon an even greater level of poverty, yet the general countryside looked no different to what we’ve been moving through for the last few weeks, if anything, relatively more prosperous.  These small gatherings have now stretched for over seventy kilometres, and still I’ve no answer. Another mystery. 

Slowly more evidence is added; girls are playing with dolls, boys with small toy trucks. There’s packaging scattered down the concrete gully. All looks new.

Late in the day we cross the solution. A large white pick-up truck passes, then swerves into the verge,  the passenger jumps out and starts distributing large paper bags from the back to the expectant kids. Santa’s come. The truck departs, and the chaperoning older sister takes charge, hides the goodies under the blanket, then they settle and await the next  sleigh delivery. All this in the time it takes us to labour past, climbing up the next Andean hill.

A neat vignette, and for once a credible answer. Those ice lolly sticks? Same solution.

All’s Not So Quiet in the Capital

It would make for a good pub quiz question. ‘What is the constitutional capital of Bolivia?’ …‘La Paz?’… ‘Sorry: nil points’. It’s Sucre. Nuestra Señora de la Paz is the administrative capital. A semantic distinction. Just like the full city title is the ultimate misnomer. Our Lady of the Peace. It’s decidedly not a quiet, peaceful place. From the ’colectivo’ whippers-in, to the cry of ’para agua’ as the storm breaks, from the hooting horns on the junctions to the drum beat of the Aymara procession, from the 4am gringos to the un-miked tourist touts.

For the ’colectivo’, a double parallel parking would amount to tidiness, better to block a two lane highway with three and a half pulled up vehicles all attempting to plunder off the same queue. An abandonment, a melée of micro-buses. Out of which pours, what to my unaccustomed ear, sounds like crack fire poetry, each stanza ending on a rising inflection and an ‘a’. It’s musical, rhythmic, and were it not for the manic mayhem, near soporific. Only occasionally do I catch the destination and the fare. This time it was ‘San Francisco’, but as all these transports pass along the Prada, and stop at the Cathedral, this wasn’t a great achievement in  comprehension.

We’ve headed out from our ’grace and favour’ colonial courtyarded hostel. It was once President Panda’s residence, (presiding:1904-1904). When the first thunder storm of the day strikes, a near miraculous transformation occurs; a panoply of blue polythene materialises, a torrent of plastic sheeting, cascading down the slippy, pothole flooded, cobbled calle. All the traders’ stalls that have been trading in the accumulation of China’s ’Rio del Plastico’, now start crying: ‘para agua, ponchero’, offering umbrellas and ponchos.  Gamps and pac-a-macs appear as if by magic. All looks disposable. One blast inverts and crushes the brittle ribs of plastic, one blast marks out the already obvious gringos. Andeans, when it gets damp, will put a polybag over their felted bowlers and blanket around their shoulders.

Thanks to ¡Unboliviable! – we’d left our camera behind!

Our perambulations lead us up to the plaza, drawn by a thing with a snake’s head and giant wings. A man in a costume. More and different dresses are sheltering in the alcoves of the square and in the porticos of the cathedral and the parliament. A brass band is warming up. Something is going to happen. Coincidentally, the potential performers are sheltering under the balcony from which Evo, decked in the national tricolour and the checks of the Aymara flag, has hectored his farther northern neighbour on more than one occasion. He’s not on the programme tonight, but his people are. The band strikes up, the dressage of costume ranks into a loose column, taxis try to push through, the police stand, ineffectual. There’s an effeminate St Miguel leading the devils; there’s the fire-breathing serpents, there’s the suckered tentacles of vipers, there’s body-hugging, hot-panted girls in pulsing lights, there’s the bulge-eyed, swollen -ongued, negro masks. There’s hairy beavers and black-pelted bears.  A mix of Animism and Christianity that has me wondering if there’s an element of Asian influence. I half expect a prancing, conga-ing dragon to appear. There’s a story to be solved.

San Miguel – thanks to ¡Unboliviable!  

The now choreographed band, heavy on drums, trumpet and trombone, blast a beat that reverberates around the plaza, bounces off the bullet-spattered government buildings and springs car alarms that can’t compete. It’s their instruments that dance, the drums going skyward at the end of each rendition, the flared horn pieces that twirl and flash in the streetlights. The beat is throbbing, the footwork rapid shuffle, the progress around the square slow. Firecrackers and squibs crackle as the progression passes under a waterfall of sparklers. Symbolism, allegory and metaphor. From the pain of the negro slaves who suffered abominably in the high altitude mines, to the purification of fire, the Christian passage through the gates and an entrance to heaven. A mix of Christ and Nature. 

It’s 3am and I’m about to hear the next three quarters struck by the cathedral’s bell, as a quad of antipodean travellers debate, to the accompaniment of rap. At a volume that carries throughout the courtyard, just beyond comprehension and well within annoyance. Hostel living without the discipline and the old ethos of the SYHA.  

Back in northern Argentina, we had been entertained by a passing truck driver, who in comical form, mimicked how he reckoned all Paseños spoke. Keeping his wad of bica and coca leaves stuffed in his cheek, he pouted his lips and spoke from the front of his mouth. I took it to be an exaggeration – that is until now. 



She’s like an island, the surge of humans breaking around her, standing resolute in the middle of the road, outside her tour operator’s office, selling it’s wares. Bike descents on ‘death road’, jeeps to the salar, trains to Machu Picchu. She sounds like she might be miked up, only she’s not; her pitch carries clear down the canyon of the street. Our heavy haulage comic got it just right.
It’s a pageantry of noise, a cacophony of colour, that with time slowly dissipates in conscience. It’s when you leave and attain the heights again, find the utter calm of altitude and find that ringing silence in your ears, that you realise how cacophonic a city existence really is. Nuestra Señora de la????

Will o’ the Wisps

A silent body of still water, early morning after a cold night, the frost smoke spiralling like plumes of white steam, rising to man height and drifting slowly, vaguely, as if urged on by willpower. It’s a climatic phenomenon that can be found on occasions, not rare, but unusual enough to warrant comment. What we encountered on that day might be an associated spectacle, only these were different.

A thick wet haze had descended onto the Puna, settled in with the daylight. Over a flat highland pampa of short, stunted grasses and wet-season standing ponds, yet the sun is not far away; an opalesque light pulses with the changing flow, the tidal surges of cloud. Suddenly the shroud lifts off from the ground, rising to a low ceiling, visibility stretches out to the severed, truncated hills on the perimeter. It’s then that two spirals of vapour form, tight columns of fast rotating, diaphanous mist, connecting floor to ceiling and appear to be no wider than a few hand spans. Then they’re gone. Dissolved.

I’m glad we both saw theme at the same time, as without that corroboration I might have questioned their existence and my perception. Were they some misquote of the inner eye, to be placed  alongside some other phantasms I’ve experienced in the hills?

A lucid blue streak cracks the covering to my east, the sun soon dissolves the haze blanket and questions my memory.

Into the Pit



203kms of road works, or so Evo’s bragging board claims. In this instance it’s the dualling of an existing asphalt road between Oruro and El Capital. Three contractors, two days riding, one vast project, and as each section nears completion, a weather coating of Colas tar is sprayed on. Nobody gets to drive on it yet, the exception being cyclists. Our very own two lane motorway, that’s climbing steadily up to El Alto and the world’s highest cantankerous councillors. You just can’t imagine two cyclists being allowed anywhere near such a construction project in Europe, here we’re being positively encouraged to try out their new facility, despite the circus of scraper blades and packer-whackers, diggers and hand mixed concrete.

If that created a degree of novelty, then what followed, entered the realm of surreality. We’ve been watching the slow progress of what appears to be conurbation rise slowly out of the dust, spreading across our path, yet the sum of map and kilometre posts don’t add up to either a logical answer or a major city. As we crest each subsequent rise, perspective and definition coalesce into blocks that might be buildings and a gap that should be our road. Far off to my east appears to be a quarry pit. It has to be El Alto, yet still the distance marks can’t agree, they won’t confirm. But it is, only it’s flowed out beyond it’s previous high water mark, sprawled from the last time the road signs were posted.

El Alto, La Paz’ alter ego. The de-facto Aymara capital, the city ‘burgh’ that controls the only effective road in and out of the Bolivian capital, that with a few burning tyres can close down what the militant local councillors up on the rim like to term ‘the pit’. It’s a place I’ve read about, have created a mental image of, and now we’re right in the middle of it.It’s manic. It’s mayhem. It’s brilliant manic mayhem. No rules apply. Forget lane discipline. Forget the niceties of polite queuing. It’s El Alto. Slowly everything comes to a stop. Five and a half lanes of solid, stationary colectivos, where three might suffice. Nothing is moving with the exception of the horn hand. Abandoning their transport, weaving through the perfect jammage, for there’s little room on the stall-congested pavements. We’re advised to try the same. A man with a cuddly toy stand and Tannoy occupies part of a junction, yet he doesn’t seem to be part of the problem; he’s just taking advantage of the current impasse to steal a few vacant square metres of retail space. We push our way forward to the next junction, the next ineffectual, redundant traffic cop, the next set of traffic lights, that have countdown to the next change of phase, the next non movement of transports. Slowly those hand horns become more strident, more insistent, slowly we approach the reason and the solution. It’s been those colectivos all along. Those hands on horns aren’t aggressives, aren’t impatiences, they’re the calling cards of part-filled buses that won’t move off until they’ve captured at least just one more passenger, there’s always room for just one more passenger, before their descent down into the ‘pit’. I wonder at this lotto-roulette, to wait for just one more fare, or to run part filled, get into town and fill for a quick turnaround on the return journey. Yet I suspect they’ve honed their art to a fine point, in much the same way that I would script a similar scenario not happening in Edinburgh’s Princes Street. The Gorgie effing, the Morningside tutting. You can hear it from over the equator.

Eventually we reach the front, an open road and the ‘No Cycling’ sign. It’s Bolivia, so we ignore it, in much the same way as the policeman who smiles and waves us on. Out, into thin air and over the edge.

Through the sooty lead cloud of a labouring truck and the sudden sweet, near sickly aroma of a chocolate factory, we get our first sighting of the city. It has to be one of the world’s greatest, most sudden, instant urban views. Like falling through a cloud bank in a descending aircraft, only you’re stationary and not being subjected to decompression ear popping or the imminent angst of the baggage carousel. A roofscape of  orange pantiles and silvered corrugations, the cartographic sweep of an ascending road, the splash of football pitches each with their own mis-matched ‘Subbuteo’ teams. All framed from our mirador by a fringe of gum trees.We push off, letting gravity offer it‘s luxurious pay-back, sweeping down through a succession of long switchbacks, that leads us, near instantly and suddenly in another colectivo jammage, disorientated and lost amongst the hordes of wandering tourists in the Plaza San Francisco. We’ve arrived, alive, in yet another Americas’ capital.

El Cerro de los Siete Colores

The domed head and upper body slopes are covered by a modesty blanket, by a horsehair bristle of dun tussocks, whilst the mountain’s torso is laid out bare, it’s disembowelled chest cavity rent open, the cindered skin excoriated away, peeled back and washed slowly down to the drains, down the stank, down to the arrojos and rios. Like a corpse on the pathologist’s slab, it’s ready for bisection by the geologists and inspection by the students. Wind and water have carved out the soft undigested volcanic ashes, leaving a plasticine of viscera, a gouging that leaves an intestine of organ pipes, vertical chimney voids, the chiaroscuro play of dark and light that form the  ghost columns and ranked spires that line the Quebrada de Humahuaca.

Like participating in a painting from one of the Dutch masters, the professorial surgeon demonstrates to his attentive pupils, the plumbing of the lower gut, so we attend a tutorial of successive story board lectures, whilst cycling slowly up onto the Andean puna, back onto the high ground. The iconic mountain, a multi-striated eon line that wavers and folds like a layered cake, poorly blended. A coloured coordination of time, the seven ages of El Cerro de los Siete Colores, where each colour represents a geological epoch.

Wool, Steel and Touroids

Purmamarca, Argentina; Uyuni, Bolivia and Callander, Scotland. Not much would seem to connect these three geographically diverse places, yet they have a distinct common thread. Wool, Steel and Guests. All three owe their existence to the Victorian development of the railway. Their foundry’s city names are cast on their bridges’ girders, their rail fishplates, their porters’ weight scales. Glasgow, Birmingham, Liverpool.

Uyuni is at the centre of Bolivia’s mineral extraction, and the railway connected it, for a short time, to it’s exporting Pacific seaboard. Callander’s rail line enabled it to extract resources from the newly granted freedom of a Saturday half day, a newly mobile city dweller flowing out from Scotland’s central belt, looking to escape the industrial revolution.  Purmamarca now sits by an abandoned, washed out line, the self-same line that still lives on in an impoverished Bolivian neighbour to the north. That vital trade route now strangled, it’s had to reinvent itself as a tourist destination.

Purmamarca: A terminal for the acquisition of an Andean sweater, an alpaca shawl, a silvered jug. Amazingly, it’s a place that easily outstrips it’s Scottish equivalent in offering outlets for woollen retail therapy. There’s the shops that have mannequin modelled ponchos priced in New York dollars, elegant silverware priced: ‘by quote’, ‘ropa para ella’ priced to match your room rate in a boutique lodge of smoked glass and adobe chic. Move down on to the plaza and you’re confronted by a more recognisable sight: rank upon rank of brightly coloured, ex-pat Bolivian textiles. Shawls and blankets, ear-flapped hats and model llamas. Where Callander has aimed it’s visitor marketing at the blue-rinsed, acrylic woollen granny, fresh off her ‘3000 Scottish Lochs’ tour bus, Purmamarca has a more affluent client in mind. The ‘permanently four-wheel driven’, out from the cities to the south and east. Which makes for a strange town.

We walk all it’s streets, avoiding the beautiful artesanal craftware, searching for a more prosaic commodity: food. Peering into front windows, poking through front doors, snooping into dark interiors. It’s a peeping Tom’s dream. You’ve just got to do it, it’s the only way that you’re going to acquire even the barest of essentials for a tea.  In some towns it’s possible to distinguish between a private household and a private household that sells. It might be the inevitable red ‘cola’ sign or the promise of ‘Hoy Hielo’. Soda Pop or ice cubes. Yet there’s no guarantee; it could just as easily be ‘phone cards and oil filters. Neither big on nutritional value. So you squint through  every unlit open door, hoping to see the tell-tale box of tomatoes, a bunch of less-than-blackened bananas. Follow the local with the bag of bread, ask him for directions, only to discover that he bought them in the next town down the road.

Eventually I spot a glimmer through one anonymous door. It transpires to be a box of lettuce that might be better consigned to the brock bin. Pig food. It’s trapped between tins of white paint and barrels of engine oil.

It’s an extreme example, a strange paradox, probably the worst that we’ve encountered, this disparity between high end visitor gifts and the raw basics of a meal. Of course we’re expected to be dinning out in one of the exclusive restaurants, close to an Argentine midnight.

Where the woollen shopping therapists of Jujuy and Stirlingshire are set below hills of geological and touristical interest, Uyuni is a typical Bolivian mining town. Flat, so flat that when it rains all the junctions become awash. On the outskirts, the donkey-nibbled scrub is in full flower with pink, black and grey, wind grit shattered plastic bags. Bolsa plastica floresii. An unprepossessing entry, that’s only reconfirmed as we plough into the next flooded junction, cutting a bow wave, hoping that there isn’t something dead down or in there. Invariably with these types of entry, the reality of the town is quite different. Uyuni conforms to type. It’s still a railway town; we’ll leave it on the midnight train to Oruro. Yet it’s also a visitor town. A place with it’s full quota of woollen shops and jeep safari tours, of bottled water and pizzerias. Yet it’s a place that seems well able to ignore all the paraphernalia that the visitor brings and demands. The whinges and whines about slow internet and the lack of  recognisable one stop shopping. A concept that seems to live in our distant past…Tesco Who? Bananas at one, onions at an other, rice and oats at a third.  Bread’s out on the pavement. What’s the difference between this and a hypermarket? You’ve just got several pay points, and true, you do need a mint of small change, but at least there’s no requirement for the ‘fewer than’ queue, only because every stall holds ‘fewer than’ items. It’s so much quicker than our Purmamarca Peeping-Tom experiences. There’s probably as much variety and selection laid out across the pavements of Uyuni, as there is in the isles of Callander’s Scotmid. So, do the locals bemoan the tourists blocking all the good parking spots, traipsing the pavements encumbered in  hunchbacks of rucksacs, searching for the ‘Firey Cross Chippie’, or the authentic Bolivian pizza? Wandering aimlessly, killing time until their night bus leaves or the dour landlady deigns to open her B+B front door to you? Their faces stuck in guidebooks, tripping over the street furniture of geranium flowered concrete planters or flea-blighted sleeping dogs, so stopping honest locals from going about their legitimate business? Or do they just smile nicely, whilst thinking darkly: ‘just give us your money and leave’.

Lantana Rivers

The one that caught us. A nagging board has sent us to a ‘mirador’, to an overlook. Standing on top of a clutch of lobster claws, rock hoodoos, overlooking a soft rock canyon, when the first ice pellet strikes, followed very swiftly by a volley that soon starts to settle on the ground, turning the dun desert to a grubby mush. We’re joined by a couple of poncho-less local moto riders, who grab thatch grasses to cover their saddles and try to gather shelter in an abandoned hut, whilst we all watch a circus spectacle.  A bus conductor clambering up on to his icy roof to close the roof lights. This one’s from the early wet season, and so is short lived. The storm moves off, heading across the ranges, we all continue on our differing ways. The thunder travelling obliquely to our road, we get to watch the effects of the fallout. A torrent surges off a rock cut, a waterspout erupts from a crevice, the roadside gutter a torment of asphalted debris. Our paths continue to diverge, the crumps clinging to the high tops, whilst we drop into to a wide strath, a flat bottomed valley that’s speckled with grazing llamas. All the arroyos that we cross are bone dry as the effects have still to arrive. Then from the struck hillside, a bore of scum and froth worms across the gentle incline. A bullnose of scud pink silt laden water is braiding towards us. Like raindrops running down a windscreen, they split and merge, some racing, some making slow progress towards the wind rippled, dry stream bed and a pass under the road. A few paces behind the dozing front, a reef of small standing waves have built up, pushing the creeping grub onward.

There’s an element of fantastical fiction about watching this apparently animate being, moving with purpose and unstoppable determination. The lather of suds, the ichor of rust, the relentless determination, it comes straight from the special effects studio of a black and white era: ‘Dr Who’.

A living being that tomorrow will be but a dead, damp patch of sand. A riverlet, a mineral conveyor belt that’s mining a mountain down to the ocean. Like Lantana flowers, here today, gone tomorrow. Only to be awoken by the next storm.

Christmas in Copacabana





As predicted. A loving San Valentine’s Day, (In the US, more cards will be purchased and sent today, than at or on any other occasion) and a belated report on Christmas in Bolivia.

Ever wondered what happens to old European lorries? No, neither had I. However, part of the answer lies in Latin America, and in particular Bolivia. A place of reincarnation, where they take pride in displaying the original plate, the previous owner’s business name, telex number and style of operation. Iberian, Low Countries, Scandinavian, ex-camions predominate. It’s a game to try to spot that tell tale euro-blue square to the left of the plate, or the script on the head board. Hanzen+ zons Bv., Pers Jurgensen, Akerieri; Island; Narvik, Norge, then to try to decipher where they originated. These lorries have already served a lifetime on the motorway, autopistas and autobahns of Europe; now they’re expected to resurrect, to operate in the world’s highest country. Climbing, and more problematically, descending the long Andean hills. They require the continual assistance of the resuscitationists; the talleria, the llanteria, the frenoseria, and the priest. Magicians in workshops, with tyres and brakes and when these fail, the Church and Faith.

If your vehicle is new, or just new to you, it requires the final arbiter and a place in the long, festive queue outside the Cathedral del Candelaria, Copacabana, Lago Sagrado. There for the Bendiciones de Movilades, the blessing of the automobiles.

It would appear that much of our serendipitous Bolivian experiences are connected to the local plaza. We’ve sat and watched so much of local life go about it’s business. This occasion will be no different. We’d already spotted an ex-Northampton unit, parked up and hoped that it might offer up a story. Were not to be disappointed.
The stalls along the cathedral walls are strewn with an association of the ecclesiastical, the votive candle sellers, the rosary bead vendors, the glass cupola virgins. The paraphernalia for auto benediction: red gladioli, yellow gladioli, green ferns, reed boats, glitz and sequined toppers, fizzy plonk, fire crackers, coloured confetti, digital photographers. A floral centrepiece of nationalist hue is pinned to the grille, below the open bonnet. The arrangement a representation of the Aymaran processional mask. The floral red mouth, the reed boat chin, the tentacle green horned fronds, with the pale yellow bunches of gladioli, angel wings, tied to the wing mirrors. An amalgam of Christian and pre-Columbian faiths. Set down in front of the vehicle, is mammon, a wish list for a prosperous new year. A new car. This element has more to do with another Bolivian festival: ‘Alasitas’, a prayer that the real thing will appear later in the year. Only it’s Christmas and you’ve paid the clergy, so you might as well cover all your bets.

The priest emerges from the Cathedral, brown cassocked and baseball capped, with blue toilet brush and holy water bucket. He approaches the green GB plated lorry and the loo brush flicks the sanctified water over the engine, into the cab, onto the wheels, over the simulated cargo of bagged puffed corn, and finally over the hands of the owner and his family. A solemn benediction, then he moves on to the next minibus, whilst the lorry’s guardians complete the less than reverent ritual of spraying the wheels and the tyres with bubbly cider, to bless, celebrate and glue the red and white confetti over the bonnet, the windscreen and the fifth-wheel. Now the photographers step in, to immortalise the event. They even carry a printer over their shoulders, to produce an instant image for immediate sale, as a rattle of fire crackers reverberates around the surrounding hills, and a reek of cordite drifts through the unflinching, Budda-esque, crafting local woman, crocheting finger puppets and woollen llamas.




An event that is a blaze of colour  and pagent, another mix of faiths, an assimilation that the church aquiessed to, helping to spread their faith. Still, I can’t quite see a minister for the Kirk o’ Scotland preforming a similar service for a newly purchased J. Deere combine outside St. Giles. If only because it would hinder the hordes of visitors ascending to the castle.